The Painful Self

The very fact that we are searching for happiness at all times implies that we are experiencing unhappiness right now. If we were already happy with ourselves, we would not be serachng for happiness through people, situations or objects. The experience of unhappiness, is not simple unhappiness as a passing emotion. It is the unhappiness of the 'unhappy' self.

We undertake many actions just so that we might be happy. In fact when we seek happiness we actually seek to see ourselves happy. Why? Underneath the search for happiness, is the feeling of unhappiness right now… the feeling that 'all is not well with me'.
Underneath is a non-verbalized dissatisfaction centered on oneself.

When a baby is born, the baby is innocent and pure. It has not perhaps picked up this sense of dissatisfaction as yet. As the baby grows older, it begins to feel the sense of limitation because of the limitations of its body-mind-sense complex. Over and above that, if the child did not receive adequate emotional care from parents and significant elders, it experiences a sense of dissatisfaction and concludes unconsciously that "I am not good, that is why parents don't love me. I must not be lovable'. This becomes the core identity of the person. If other siblings are there, it begins to compare itself with the others and whenever it gets less attention it concludes that 'I must not be lovable'. If parents or significant others appear to attention to other siblings, it compares itself with other siblings and there is great grief for the child… because it's conclusion that "I am not okay' gets strengthened. The growing person can't bear the pain … and so the pain gets hidden … it goes to the unconscious and the person always exhibts a happy exterior.

Supposing one of the parents becomes absent for any reason whatsoever, as the child is growing … the child can think it is because of me that Papa or Mama has gone away. I am no good.
And the child develops an unconscious fear of being abandoned. Even when a parent is moody, one minute loving and the next minute angry or withdrawn, the child feels abandoned and develops fear of being abandoned.

Now the scene is set for its life … as it grows the child is now always set to prove itself to be better than others, to be more deserving of love … all so that the person can feel good about himself or herself. The person could become highly competitive. To feel good about himself or herself, the person now needs the approval of others … and to get the approval of others, the person will do anything … even work hard and excel at studies and extra curricular activities.

And the scene is set for adult life … where the unconscious pain of the child is ready to come out, in any intimate relationship of trust. Whenever the inner child does not get adequate attention, or whenever the inner child feels the love it receives from the other is under threat, or that the other loves somebody else, the pain comes out through accusations, inexhaustible demands for the other's time, anger that spills out in many different ways.

The scene is set for the drama of tumultuous relationships.

Nobody is really free of the painful self in the unconscious. A lot of irrational thinking is associated with the painful self. It is important to understand it, face the pain and not let it rule one's life. If happiness is what one wants, then eventually one has to process the pain, let it go adopting heathier ways of thinking and behaving.