Insecurity in Relationships

Pushpa complained to Manisha that Gunjan was always finding fault with her friends. If Pushpa ever praised a friend – that was enough to get Gunjan upset. Within a few days Gunjan would start finding fault with that friend. Not only that she would somehow sabotage any attempt of Pushpa to even meet her friend. If Pushpa did somehow get to meet her friend, Gunjan would ring up umpteen times with some excuse or the other. Not only that, she would begin to talk ill of Pushpa's friend to other friends of Pusha, creating a web of hostility towards Pushpa's friend. Sometimes she would even talk ill of Pushpa to her friends. What on earth was the matter with Gunjan?Pushpa was feeling suffocated and angry with Gunjan.

Gunjan on her part, never thought she was doing anything unfair or wrong. She thought that Pushapa's friend genuinely had big problems and she was only 'protecting' Pushpa from her friend.

Gunjan was suffering from the feeling of jealousy. Everybody suffers from jealousy at some time of the other. It is a widely prevalent emotion. . In fact the emotion of jealousy is as old as mankind and is one of the main causes for suicide and even murder. Even though it seems to be directed at somebody else, it is really the manifestation of one's deep-rooted dislike for oneself and non-acceptance of oneself alone.

Each of us suffers to a lesser or greater degree, from this non-acceptance, dislike and deep unhappiness with some part of ourselves. Nobody likes to face this part of oneself, because we can't bear to see ourselves in a less than perfect light. Mostly we do not even know that we have such a side to our personality. It is too painful to admit that.

In fact one of the reasons that we become emotionally dependent and obsessive on people who seem to love us, accept us and show care for us, because we can't bear to face this part of ourself.

So when the person we are emotionally dependent on, seems to like somebody else – we feel insecure about ourselves. Somewhere deep inside there is an unconscious fear that the person on whom we are emotionally dependent will abandon us for the other person. The consequence of the unconscious fear of abandonment is the attempt to defend oneself by finding fault, talking ill, not allowing the other to meet the object of one's obsession etc

This emotion causes untold damage in relationships and is the cause of many a break in relationships. As we saw Pushpa was feeling totally suffocated in her relationship with Gunjan. She was getting angry now. How dare Gunjan try to control her? How dare she talk like this to others… And it would not be too long before she would actually break the relationship with Gunjan … making Gunjan's unconscious fear come true. And in this case, the main person responsible was Gunjan herself!!!!

So if Gunjan is to save this relationship, she has to first understand that her behaviour is coming from jealousy and it is unfair. Next she would have to understand how it is coming from her own self-loath. Then she has to stop her unfair behaviour and
learn to love herself more and have confidence in herself.

In fact she should use this as an occasion for her own personal growth towards having more and more self-confidence and self-acceptance.