Pushpa was a very upright person, with a great sense of righteousness. It is mature to be ethical, to be choosing right action over wrong action. It is wonderful to have a sense of pride in one's incapacity to be bought, to never be corrupted. This is what our ancient Rajputs were like. Yet in many ways it is very limiting if your ego begins to get inflated by your righteousness … your vision becomes very limited and you judge everybody by your own paradigms, instead of caring to understand the other person. And what is worse, you think you are always right and you become unable to admit to your own mistakes in judgement, thinking and actions.
Pushpa's younger brother Manoj was not as lucky as her. He was made of the stuff lesser mortals are made of. Consequently, he told lies and even worse he drank like a fish, even at the tender age of 27. It was difficult to trust anything he said or did because you never knew if it was the truth.
Pushpa could not tolerate Manoj'e behaviour at all. In fact, the day she came to know that he was drinking, he gave him two slaps and dragged him to the bathroom, and put him under a tap. Her anger was terribible to behold. Her anger was righteous. How dare he drink like a fish! Was he not a Surya Vamshi?!! How could he lie so much? Who knows – he might even be corruptible in his profession?! It was unbearable for Pushpa. She used always say, "I HATE him. Nobody, but nobody in our family is like him. I can't stand him. He is not my brother. He is a monster. I don't want to have anything to do with him". So Pushpa used to treat him like vermin. He could do nothing right in Pushpa's eyes nor did he deserve her respect she felt. She had already judged him by some of his actions, labelled him, dismissed the whole person. She had hanged him.
The problem with judging, labelling, dismissing and hanging a person … you have no chance of helping the person to understand himself or herself and change.
Pushpa's friend Manisha was wiser and kinder. One day when Pushpa was ranting about Manoj, Manisha gently told her, "Why don't you try to understand, why Manoj is behaving in this way. Maybe then you will have a chance of helping him".
Pushpa simply dismissed what Manisha said at first. Yet because she cared for Manoj, after all, he was her brother… Manisha's words kept coming back. Was there a way of helping him? No, there was no way. She had already slapped him and scolded him so many times – he was impervious to it all. He was SICK. There was no way of changing him. So Pushpa came back to Manisha the next day and told her, "You are wrong you know… it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anythkng about Manoj. He cannot change … He does not want to change. I have scolded him so many times. It is like water falling off a duck's back."
Manisha smiled a little and said, "Maybe there is another way of reaching him and helping him to change".
This was news to Pushpa. Another way?!! How could that be?
"You know Pushpa, each person is a unique human being. Each one of us comes from our own background. Our background includes our previous life karma as well! It includes our parentage, our education, our unique understanding of life because of our experiences in life, our likes and dislikes, our values …. and as I said, even our previous life karma. Our threshold for handling pain and stress is also different. Because of all these factors, each person responds to a given situation differently."
Pushpa said, "But we are from the same family… we have had similar background."
Manisha said, "No… you may be from the same family, and no doubt your immediate backgrounds have some similarities … yet what you learned about life is different from what he has learned about life. Why? You should ask that question…. something is different… and the learning is different. Try to understand that Pushpa."
Pushpa thought about what Manisha said for a long time, that night. Next morning she returned to Manisha with some new insights. "Yes, you are right. When Manoj was very young, my mother developed cancer. Because of that she was sick most of the time …. he was very caring for her. Our father was a very angry person … and Manoj would try to protect her from his anger. Also it must have been very insecure for him. He used to pray regularly for her … he would do Hanuman Chalisa daily. I had already grown up by that time… my sense of insecurity due to Mother's illness was much less. I was already working by that time. Manisha, do you think, his drinking and lieing have something to do with Mother's illness."
Manisha said kindly, "It is possible Pushpa. He probably went through a lot of emotional pain on account of his mother's illness… at a very tender age. That pent up pain and anger at her dying is coming out as his drinking problem. It is possible. Also because your father was such an angry person, he learned to lie… to protect himself. He could not handle his father's anger … and began to lie … simply to protect himself from more emotional pain. Children often do that you know. Mother was too sick to see how all this was affecting the child. You were too busy and the others were too young."
Pushpa suddenly saw the truth of what Manisha was saying. Her younger bother was in terrible pain and that is why he was behaving this way. Her whole mind changed now. How could she help him she wondered?
Now because of her new understanding, Pushpa's way of handling her younger brother changed drastically. She did not judgehim, label him, and dismiss him as a human being. She became more caring about him and treating him with the respect deserving of any human being. She would ask after him. No more she would tell him that he had no place in their house. She reached out to him and tried to understand him. Because he felt more care for, he began to listen to her too. Slowly over a period of time, he gave up drinking. Now she spent more time with him, and helped him to understand his own pain. In the process she also began to learn to process her own pain and let it go.
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