Caring to Understand People vs Judging and Labelling People

Pushpa was a very upright person, with a great sense of righteousness. It is mature to be ethical, to be choosing right action over wrong action. It is wonderful to have a sense of pride in one's incapacity to be bought, to never be corrupted. This is what our ancient Rajputs were like. Yet in many ways it is very limiting if your ego begins to get inflated by your righteousness … your vision becomes very limited and you judge everybody by your own paradigms, instead of caring to understand the other person. And what is worse, you think you are always right and you become unable to admit to your own mistakes in judgement, thinking and actions.

Pushpa's younger brother Manoj was not as lucky as her. He was made of the stuff lesser mortals are made of. Consequently, he told lies and even worse he drank like a fish, even at the tender age of 27. It was difficult to trust anything he said or did because you never knew if it was the truth.

Pushpa could not tolerate Manoj'e behaviour at all. In fact, the day she came to know that he was drinking, he gave him two slaps and dragged him to the bathroom, and put him under a tap. Her anger was terribible to behold. Her anger was righteous. How dare he drink like a fish! Was he not a Surya Vamshi?!! How could he lie so much? Who knows – he might even be corruptible in his profession?! It was unbearable for Pushpa. She used always say, "I HATE him. Nobody, but nobody in our family is like him. I can't stand him. He is not my brother. He is a monster. I don't want to have anything to do with him". So Pushpa used to treat him like vermin. He could do nothing right in Pushpa's eyes nor did he deserve her respect she felt. She had already judged him by some of his actions, labelled him, dismissed the whole person. She had hanged him.

The problem with judging, labelling, dismissing and hanging a person … you have no chance of helping the person to understand himself or herself and change.

Pushpa's friend Manisha was wiser and kinder. One day when Pushpa was ranting about Manoj, Manisha gently told her, "Why don't you try to understand, why Manoj is behaving in this way. Maybe then you will have a chance of helping him".

Pushpa simply dismissed what Manisha said at first. Yet because she cared for Manoj, after all, he was her brother… Manisha's words kept coming back. Was there a way of helping him? No, there was no way. She had already slapped him and scolded him so many times – he was impervious to it all. He was SICK. There was no way of changing him. So Pushpa came back to Manisha the next day and told her, "You are wrong you know… it is IMPOSSIBLE to do anythkng about Manoj. He cannot change … He does not want to change. I have scolded him so many times. It is like water falling off a duck's back."

Manisha smiled a little and said, "Maybe there is another way of reaching him and helping him to change".

This was news to Pushpa. Another way?!! How could that be?

"You know Pushpa, each person is a unique human being. Each one of us comes from our own background. Our background includes our previous life karma as well! It includes our parentage, our education, our unique understanding of life because of our experiences in life, our likes and dislikes, our values …. and as I said, even our previous life karma. Our threshold for handling pain and stress is also different. Because of all these factors, each person responds to a given situation differently."

Pushpa said, "But we are from the same family… we have had similar background."

Manisha said, "No… you may be from the same family, and no doubt your immediate backgrounds have some similarities … yet what you learned about life is different from what he has learned about life. Why? You should ask that question…. something is different… and the learning is different. Try to understand that Pushpa."

Pushpa thought about what Manisha said for a long time, that night. Next morning she returned to Manisha with some new insights. "Yes, you are right. When Manoj was very young, my mother developed cancer. Because of that she was sick most of the time …. he was very caring for her. Our father was a very angry person … and Manoj would try to protect her from his anger. Also it must have been very insecure for him. He used to pray regularly for her … he would do Hanuman Chalisa daily. I had already grown up by that time… my sense of insecurity due to Mother's illness was much less. I was already working by that time. Manisha, do you think, his drinking and lieing have something to do with Mother's illness."

Manisha said kindly, "It is possible Pushpa. He probably went through a lot of emotional pain on account of his mother's illness… at a very tender age. That pent up pain and anger at her dying is coming out as his drinking problem. It is possible. Also because your father was such an angry person, he learned to lie… to protect himself. He could not handle his father's anger … and began to lie … simply to protect himself from more emotional pain. Children often do that you know. Mother was too sick to see how all this was affecting the child. You were too busy and the others were too young."

Pushpa suddenly saw the truth of what Manisha was saying. Her younger bother was in terrible pain and that is why he was behaving this way. Her whole mind changed now. How could she help him she wondered?

Now because of her new understanding, Pushpa's way of handling her younger brother changed drastically. She did not judgehim, label him, and dismiss him as a human being. She became more caring about him and treating him with the respect deserving of any human being. She would ask after him. No more she would tell him that he had no place in their house. She reached out to him and tried to understand him. Because he felt more care for, he began to listen to her too. Slowly over a period of time, he gave up drinking. Now she spent more time with him, and helped him to understand his own pain. In the process she also began to learn to process her own pain and let it go.

Believing In Yourself

Manisha was deeply hurt and angry. Her friend Pushpa had talked negatively about her friendships with others, behind her back, to another close friend. As a result Manisha's close friend had become hostile to her friends. Manisha was deeply offended as well. In her code of ethics this was very wrong… she felt Pushpa had no right to interfere in her friendships and she felt betrayed. On top of it all, when Manisha confronted Pushpa, Pushpa instead of apologizing kept on trying to justify her actions.

For days Manisha brooded over this. Her painful self had been triggered by this episode.

Suddenly one morning she woke up with great insight. The truth was that no matter what Pushpa thought of her, or her friendships, she was okay. She was alright. Her conscience was clear and she was alright. Why should she allow Pushpa's immaturity to spoil her mood? No matter what her close friend thought of her, no matter what anybody thought of her for that matter, since her conscience was clear she was always alright. What others thought of her could not change her being who she was.

She had to only truly believe in herself. Suddenly she understood her true empowerment of herself was her unshakable belief in herself. Since her belief in herself was based on her clear conscience, it could not be shaken. In facts other's opinions, even significant others, could not make any dent on her self. She was who she was … and that could not be changed by other's opinions. In fact she deeply respected and valued herself. Her self-respect was based on her conscience being clear … so how could somebody else's opinion change who she was. It could not. Understanding this Manisha was able to make many shifts. She was able to let go of her anger and accept Pushpa's actions without being pained anymore. She also understood Pushpa's ways of thinking and would be more careful with Pushpa in future.

This incident can be used to understand certain very important principles which govern our feelings. Whenever there is anger, hurt, guilt, fear, greed, jealousy, attachment etc. it means that it is centered on one's sense of "I" – on one's self-identity or ego. One's self-identity or "I" sense has both a healthy component to it, as well as an unhealthy component to it. The healthy component is the healthy sense of "I" which reflects a basic feeling of security, confidence and contentment. If one received adequate emotional security and care in childhood, the "I" sense is mostly healthy.

The unhealthy component is the unhealthy sense of "I", the painful self talked about in the last post. It is there for everybody in greater or lesser measure, depending on the kind of childhood one might have had. The painful self feels insecure, underconfident and unhappy…. associated with it are painful memories and painful impressions.

Many of the unpleasant situation we confront in adult life, trigger the painful self. Once this part of the ego is trigerred, the painful memories and impressions of the past are also triggered. The feelings of insecurity, under-confidence and unhappiness are also triggered. Consequently the feelings of hurt and anger also arise.

If our conscience is clear, once the painful self is triggered, it is easier to get back to the healthy "I" sense.

Any disturbance to the healthy "I" sense, actually causes a disturbance in the subtle energy patterns of the body, which triggers off the pent-up and unaddressed unhealthy emotions of hurt, sadness, fear, guilt, extreme anger etc. Once this disturbance to the subtle energy patterns in the body is righted, it becomes very easy to get back to the healthy 'I' sense and consequent feelings of confidence and happiness. This can be done very simply and effectively by using EFT. How to use EFT can be learnt by visiting the website http://www.emofree.com/.

The Painful Self

The very fact that we are searching for happiness at all times implies that we are experiencing unhappiness right now. If we were already happy with ourselves, we would not be serachng for happiness through people, situations or objects. The experience of unhappiness, is not simple unhappiness as a passing emotion. It is the unhappiness of the 'unhappy' self.

We undertake many actions just so that we might be happy. In fact when we seek happiness we actually seek to see ourselves happy. Why? Underneath the search for happiness, is the feeling of unhappiness right now… the feeling that 'all is not well with me'.
Underneath is a non-verbalized dissatisfaction centered on oneself.

When a baby is born, the baby is innocent and pure. It has not perhaps picked up this sense of dissatisfaction as yet. As the baby grows older, it begins to feel the sense of limitation because of the limitations of its body-mind-sense complex. Over and above that, if the child did not receive adequate emotional care from parents and significant elders, it experiences a sense of dissatisfaction and concludes unconsciously that "I am not good, that is why parents don't love me. I must not be lovable'. This becomes the core identity of the person. If other siblings are there, it begins to compare itself with the others and whenever it gets less attention it concludes that 'I must not be lovable'. If parents or significant others appear to attention to other siblings, it compares itself with other siblings and there is great grief for the child… because it's conclusion that "I am not okay' gets strengthened. The growing person can't bear the pain … and so the pain gets hidden … it goes to the unconscious and the person always exhibts a happy exterior.

Supposing one of the parents becomes absent for any reason whatsoever, as the child is growing … the child can think it is because of me that Papa or Mama has gone away. I am no good.
And the child develops an unconscious fear of being abandoned. Even when a parent is moody, one minute loving and the next minute angry or withdrawn, the child feels abandoned and develops fear of being abandoned.

Now the scene is set for its life … as it grows the child is now always set to prove itself to be better than others, to be more deserving of love … all so that the person can feel good about himself or herself. The person could become highly competitive. To feel good about himself or herself, the person now needs the approval of others … and to get the approval of others, the person will do anything … even work hard and excel at studies and extra curricular activities.

And the scene is set for adult life … where the unconscious pain of the child is ready to come out, in any intimate relationship of trust. Whenever the inner child does not get adequate attention, or whenever the inner child feels the love it receives from the other is under threat, or that the other loves somebody else, the pain comes out through accusations, inexhaustible demands for the other's time, anger that spills out in many different ways.

The scene is set for the drama of tumultuous relationships.

Nobody is really free of the painful self in the unconscious. A lot of irrational thinking is associated with the painful self. It is important to understand it, face the pain and not let it rule one's life. If happiness is what one wants, then eventually one has to process the pain, let it go adopting heathier ways of thinking and behaving.

 

 

Insecurity in Relationships

Pushpa complained to Manisha that Gunjan was always finding fault with her friends. If Pushpa ever praised a friend – that was enough to get Gunjan upset. Within a few days Gunjan would start finding fault with that friend. Not only that she would somehow sabotage any attempt of Pushpa to even meet her friend. If Pushpa did somehow get to meet her friend, Gunjan would ring up umpteen times with some excuse or the other. Not only that, she would begin to talk ill of Pushpa's friend to other friends of Pusha, creating a web of hostility towards Pushpa's friend. Sometimes she would even talk ill of Pushpa to her friends. What on earth was the matter with Gunjan?Pushpa was feeling suffocated and angry with Gunjan.

Gunjan on her part, never thought she was doing anything unfair or wrong. She thought that Pushapa's friend genuinely had big problems and she was only 'protecting' Pushpa from her friend.

Gunjan was suffering from the feeling of jealousy. Everybody suffers from jealousy at some time of the other. It is a widely prevalent emotion. . In fact the emotion of jealousy is as old as mankind and is one of the main causes for suicide and even murder. Even though it seems to be directed at somebody else, it is really the manifestation of one's deep-rooted dislike for oneself and non-acceptance of oneself alone.

Each of us suffers to a lesser or greater degree, from this non-acceptance, dislike and deep unhappiness with some part of ourselves. Nobody likes to face this part of oneself, because we can't bear to see ourselves in a less than perfect light. Mostly we do not even know that we have such a side to our personality. It is too painful to admit that.

In fact one of the reasons that we become emotionally dependent and obsessive on people who seem to love us, accept us and show care for us, because we can't bear to face this part of ourself.

So when the person we are emotionally dependent on, seems to like somebody else – we feel insecure about ourselves. Somewhere deep inside there is an unconscious fear that the person on whom we are emotionally dependent will abandon us for the other person. The consequence of the unconscious fear of abandonment is the attempt to defend oneself by finding fault, talking ill, not allowing the other to meet the object of one's obsession etc

This emotion causes untold damage in relationships and is the cause of many a break in relationships. As we saw Pushpa was feeling totally suffocated in her relationship with Gunjan. She was getting angry now. How dare Gunjan try to control her? How dare she talk like this to others… And it would not be too long before she would actually break the relationship with Gunjan … making Gunjan's unconscious fear come true. And in this case, the main person responsible was Gunjan herself!!!!

So if Gunjan is to save this relationship, she has to first understand that her behaviour is coming from jealousy and it is unfair. Next she would have to understand how it is coming from her own self-loath. Then she has to stop her unfair behaviour and
learn to love herself more and have confidence in herself.

In fact she should use this as an occasion for her own personal growth towards having more and more self-confidence and self-acceptance.

ALL OR NONE THINKING

Some personalities tend to perceive things in terms of black-and-white or all-or-none. They might take the position that if they can't have everything they ask for, they won't accept anything at all.
If someone doesn't agree with everything they say, they feel unaccepted and feel they are not being valued or listened to in any way.
If they don't see themselves as completely on top of things and in total control, they will view their circumstance as being on the bottom and the victim of someone else's oppression.

This all-or-none and black-and-white type of thinking is what prompts these personalities' behavior of carrying things to extremes. In other words, extreme thinking leads to extreme behaviors. Such thinking interferes with a person's ability to develop any sense of moderation. It also promotes an uncompromising attitude that causes untold problems in relationships.

Dealing with individuals prone to extreme thinking is extremely difficult. You try to reach some amicable middle ground with them, but it's next to impossible. Somehow you always end up feeling like "it's their way or no way." There's no room for negotiation or compromise, and it leaves you feeling like there's no way to interact.

Extreme thinking and the uncompromising attitude promoted by it are at the root of the stubborn and unyielding behaviors that these personalities display. And these can easily decimate a relationship. A person who thinks in extremes will not be prone to give ground, and giving some ground is essential to reaching compromises in life's many conflicts.

 

Irrational thoughts cause pain in relationships

Pushpa was upset. She had a bad dream. And she believed that her bad dreams always came with a warning of what was to follow in her waking life. She had a strong belief that her dreams were intuitive. In her dream she heard that Manisha was sick. When she went to meet Manisha, a strange lady, whose face she could not see, stopped her and would not permit her into the house to see Manisha.

The next day she told Manisha, Manisha did not think much of it and lightly said, "It could be that this dream is reflection of some fear that you are having inside." Then Manisha told her about how she had gone out with her friend Kiran and had a really good time. Manisha liked Kiran very much and would often go over to her place. In course of conversations with Pushpa she would mention her lively chit-chats with Kiran.

After a few days Pushpa said that, "This is a recurring dream… it's been recurring everyday and today I saw her face". When Manisha asked her who it was, she would not tell.

Practically every day Pushpa was very irritable and would quarrell with Manisha for no particular reason.

After a few days, when Manisha had just returned from Kiran's place, Pushapa again quarrelled with Manisha for without any reason. When Manisha could handle it no more she finally protected herself and said, "I am getting upset and so I will go into silence to understand my feelings and process them. I will talk to you after that."

Immediately Pushpa shot back, "Kiran has poisoned your mind against me. In fact she was the lady that I saw in my dreams. She was the lady who was stopping me from seeing you. My dream was right after all."

Manisha suddenly understood what had happened. Unconsciously, Pushpa was feeling that Manisha spent all her time with Kiran instead of with her. Because of her insecurity, Pushpa was blaming poor blameless Kiran, for something she had never done.

This is what happens when we do not LISTEN to our feelings and understand the irrational thoughts behind them. Then without our conscious intention, the feelings take over completely. We believe them to be true. We never think of finding out the irrational thoughts behind them and correcting them. We simply act on our feelings and create havoc in relationships.

Pushpa's outburst in the end was due to an IRRATIONAL thought of 'entitlement' perhaps. Irrational entitlement thoughts think that "I want something, therefore I should have it. My need justifies my demanding others to provide it. If I don't get what I need somebody is deliberately depriving me."

Pushpa needs to understand that :-

1. She is free to want more time with Manisha and Manisha is free to say no.
   
2. She always has a right to say no and Manisha has too.
   
3. Her desire does not obligate Manisha to meet it.
   

Some More Irrational Ideas – Adapted From The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook

In the last post, negative self-talk comprising of irrational ideas were presented. In this post some more irrational ideas are analysed.

Irrational Ideas	Comments
11. You are helpless and have no control over what you experience and feel	This belief is at the heart of much depression and anxiety. The truth is we not only exercise considerable control over interpersonal situations, but also control how we interpret and emotionally respond to each life event.
12. People are fragile and should never be hurt.	This irrational belief results in failure to openly communicate important feelings, and in self-sacrifice that gives up what is nourishing and pleasurable. Since everything you need or want seems to hurt or deprive someone else, you feel frustration, helplessness and depression. In relationships conflicts develop and nothing is said.
13. If you don't go to great lengths to please others, they will abandon or reject you.	Behind this feeling is low self-esteem. The truth is that you usually run less risk of rejection if you offer others your true unembellished self. They can take it or leave it. If they respond to the real you, you don't have to worry about letting down your guard and being rejected later.
14. When people disapprove of you, it invariably means you are wrong or bad.	This crippling belief sparks chronic anxiety in most interpersonal situations. This belief is irrational because of the huge generalization of one specific fault or unattractive feature to the total condemnation of the self.
15. Happiness, pleasure and fulfillment can only occur in the presence of others and being alone is horrible.	Pleasure, self-worth and fulfilment can be experienced alone as well as with others. Being alone is growth producing and desirable at times.
16. There is a perfect love and a perfect relationship.	People with this belief often feel resentful of one close relationship after another. Nothing is quite right because they are waiting for the perfect fit, which never comes.
17. You shouldn't have to feel pain, you are entitled to a good life.	The realistic position is that pain is an inevitable part of life. Pain frequently accompanies tough, healthy decisions and the process of growth. Life follows an order, and because of past karma sometimes you will suffer no matter what you do.
18. Your worth as a person depends on how much you achieve and produce.	Your real worth is in knowing the un-negatable truth about yourself. In the absence of that, ask yourself are you successful in managing your likes and dislikes, in having a certain mastery over your ways of thinking and responses to unfavourable situations.
19. Anger is automatically bad and destructive.	Anger is cleansing and an honest communication of your feelings, when it is without attacking the personal worth and security of others.
20. It is bad or wrong to be selfish.	Are you really being selfish, when you assess your needs and wants? Afterall no one knows your needs and wants better than you, and no one else has as great an interest in seeing them fulfilled. Your happiness is your responsibility. You are selfish only when you gain at the cost of others.

Each of us has our own set of irrational thoughts that might have not been included in the lists above. The best way to uncover your irrational ideas is to think of situations in which you experience anxiety, depression, anger, guilt or a sense of worthlessness. Behind each of these emotions, particularly if they are chronic, is irrational self-talk.

Most of our self-talk is difficult to uncover, because of the speed and invidibility of thoughts. Self-talk has a reflexive automatic quality, so it easy to think that the feelings arise spontaneously from events. However, once the thoughts are slowed down, like a slow-motion film, frame by frame, they begin to become more clear. The thoughts that create your emotions may frequently appear in a kind of shorthand: "No good…. crazy…. feeling sick….. disgusting.." and so on. That shorthand has to stretched out into the orginal sentence it was extracted from. The sentence can then be challenged using some simple methods given later.

Om Tat Sat

Irrational Beliefs – Adapted from The Relaxation and Stress Reduction Workbook

We saw in the previous post that our feelings arise because of our interpretation of an event, rather than the event itself. It is our interpretation of an event that really causes anxiety, fear, depression etc. In fact our interpretation is really our interpretation of reality. We respond to our own description of the world.

And our interpretation of events is based on our beliefs. Our beliefs can be rational or irrational. Many of our beliefs about ourself and the world were acquired because of our background. Our background itself consists of our genes, parentage, culture, education, expereinces, values etc. As a child we did not have any control over most of these … and as a result we picked up a lot of beliefs…. many of which are unrealistic and irrational. These are also called as negative self-talk.

At the root of all irrational thinking is the ASSUMPTION that things have been done to you. For example

• 'She makes me nervous'
  
• 'That really got me down'
  
• 'Being cheated gets me mad'

Nothing is done to you. Events happen in the world.

1. You experience those events (A)
   
2. You interpret those events because of your beliefs or self-talk (B)
   
3. Then you experience an emotion resulting from the self-talk (C)
   

So A does not cause C. B causes C. If your interpretation or self-talk is irrational and unrealistic, you will experience unpleasant emotions.

Two forms of common forms of irrational self-talk are statements that "awfulize" and "absolutize". You awfulize by making catastropic, nightmarish interpretations of your experiences. A frowning boss becomes one who intends to fire you. A momentary chest pain is a heart attack. Your friend takes on a night job and the thought of being alone is unthinkably terrible. And the result is that the feelings that follow that awfulizing self-talk tend themselves to be awful.

Irrational self-statements that absolutize often include words such as 'should', 'must','ought','always' and 'never'. The idea is that things have to be a certain way, or you have to be a certain way. Any deviation from that particular value or standard is
bad. The person who fails to live up to that standard is BAD. In reality, the standard is what is bad, because it is irrational.
Albert Ellis developed a system to attack irrational ideas or beliefs and replace them with realistic statements about the world. He suggested 10 basic irrational ideas, which are listed below.

Irrational Belief	Comments
It is an absolute neccesity for an adult to have love and approval from peers, family and friends.	In fact, it is impossible to please all the people in your life. Even those who basically like and approve you will not accept some behaviours and qualities. This irrational belief is probably the single greatest cause of unhappiness.
You must be unfailingly competent and almost perfect in all that you undertake.	The results of believing that you must behave perfectly are self-blame for inevitable failure, lowered self-esteem, perfectionistic standrads applied to all you are close to, and paralysis and fear at attempting anything.
Certain people are evil, wicked and villainous and should be punished.	A more realistic position is that they are behaving in ways that are antisocial or inappropriate. They are perhaps stupid, ignorant, or neurotic and may need to change their behaviour.
It is horrible when things and people are not the way you like them to be.	This might be described as the spoiled child syndrome. Any inconvenience, problem or failure to get your way is likely to be met with awfulizing self-statements. The result is intense irritation and stress.
External events cause human misery – people simply react as events trigger their emotions.	A logical extension of this belief is that you must control the external events in order to create happiness or avoid sorrow. Because such control has limitations and we are at a loss to completely manipulate the wills of others, a sense of helplessness and chronic anxiety results.
You should feel fear or anxiety about anything that is unknown, uncertain or potentially dangerous.	Many describe it as 'a little bell goes off and I think I ought to worry'. They begin to rehearse their scenes of catastrophe. Increasing the fear and anxiety in the face of uncertainity makes coping more difficult and adds to the stress.
It is easier to avoid than face life's difficulties and responsibilities.	There are many ways of ducking responsibility from procrastination to ignoring the issue.
You need something other or stronger or greater than yourself to rely on.	This belief becomes a psychological trap in which your independent judgement and your awareness of your particular needs are undermined by a reliance on higher authority.
The past has a lot to do with determining the present.	Just because you were once affected by something does not mean that you must continue the habits you formed to cope with the original situation. Those old patterns and ways of responding are just decisions made so many times they have become nearly automatic. You can learn from past experience and you don't have to be overly attached to it.
Happiness can be achieved by inaction, passivity and endless leisure.	There is more to happiness than perfect relaxation.